The sun and the rain

I'll admit it, today was one of those days. It all started out well. We actually made it to school well before the tardy bell (I'm often known to be late - to every where!) My first photo shoot went quickly and so progressed the rest of the morning. But then little things started popping up. By the time I got home, I was in a terrible mood, just broken down by the day and by life. For those of you who know, I only work two days a week (plus nights and weekends shooting events as needed), so you might ask how can just a day at work get to me. But that's all part of the problem. You see, I lead a double life. I am really two people in one body and with one mind, but gets pulled in two very different directions. First, I'm mommy. I'm a wife and mother who loves her family. When I'm home, I'm totally at home and want nothing more than to be with my boys. That is why we sacrifice so that I can stay home as much as possible. But I also have work. And when I'm at work, I'm totally at work. I see things I could be doing, positions I could have, money I could make - but then I would have to give up so much of what I love about my life. You see, I never really thought I wanted to be this mommy person I've grown to be. I never took home EC in school, I figured that was one class I would never need or want. I was the FBLA vice-president, chair of the art club, head photographer, writer and ad manager for the school newspaper. I had no desire just to sit at home and it never really occurred to me to do so - much less become a breastfeeding, baby wearing, baby food making momma. Don't get me wrong, I wanted children, I just thought I would have it all. Who knew, maybe even a nanny to take care of the kids while I was in D.C. or Europe or where ever I might be at that moment. But as Kevin and I dated and began to talk about marriage, all of that changed. I didn't want to fly here and there, I wanted to be with him and the children we would eventually have. But part of me still sees something that I don't have that I could if I just tried a little. But do I even want it? This is the problem that I think plagues and haunts so many women today. The women of the 80's-90's tried to prove they could have it all, raise a family, a high profile career, etc., but I see so many women of my generation not only realizing they can't, they don't want to.

But no matter, I was in my mood with all of these thoughts racing around my head. The last couple of days, we've had a good deal of rain. Tonight as I drove into the subdivision, up the hill and around the pond, the sun was shining as brightly as a clear, blue day - but rain streamed from the sky (wish I had a picture for you). I thought to myself that it looked so pretty and that there must be a rainbow somewhere. Shortly after I got home, Kevin came in and said he saw a rainbow in a field on his way home that touched the ground and it was the brightest rainbow he had ever seen. I wish I had seen it.

After the boys were in bed, I began blog reading and came across a blog of a lady who recently lost her 10 week old baby, they believe to SIDS. I couldn't believe the pain she must be going through and yet how strong and faithful she seemed. Shortly after reading it, Tyler woke after only being asleep about 30 minutes. My first thought was "oh great." But as I reached his door and picked him up from his crib, he instantly snuggled into my chest and my instant thought was that at least I had my baby to hold tonight. Tears streamed down my face as I rocked him and I imagined that mother sitting in her empty nursery filled with his toys, clothes and unused diapers. And it made all of my thoughts today seem so unimportant. Not that they aren't real to me, but just that there are bigger things in life.

And then that image came back to my mind. The sun and the rain pouring down through the trees. And I thought, isn't that like life? Sometimes the happiness and the warmth of the sun comes at the exact same moment as the rain, the sorrows and worries of life. Sometimes the rain is so hard and the clouds are so dark that we can't see the sun, but eventually it does return. But I think day to day life is like the rain shower today. We're happy and sad, content and worried, busy beyond belief and restful all at the same time. Sometimes I'm amazed at the difference of emotions I can feel all at the same time.

This post is so different than my usual post, but when I first started this blog I intended to journal more of my thoughts. But the mood hadn't really struck me until tonight. I hope you either forgive my rambling or that you can identify with something I've written.